A few people have asked me how I get my grocery shopping done now that I have three little ones in tow. If I were a smart mama I'd probably just go to the store on Saturday or Sunday with my most docile child while B Daddy watched the others. But I'm too protective of weekend time with my man to waste a precious hour doing something like grocery shopping....so I've developed a system that enables me to go to the store with all three precious darlings. It's working for now. I'll report back in a few months or a year when things change.
Here we go -
I only go to one Publix store. Ever. We back out of the driveway and arrive at My Publix precisely five minutes later. This means we don't have to listen to more than one VeggieTales song and the children generally haven't started screaming by the time we pull in.
We park the car (same aisle every time) I unbuckle the Squirt, plop Tres in the Moby Wrap and grab Sweet B
(my runner/least predictable child) last. We slowly make our way into the store and grab the only acceptable race car cart. Not the one with the loose steering wheel or the one with the broken buckle. Grab either of those carts and the Squirt will COMPLETELY FREAK OUT.
Once seated, both Sweet B and Squirt steer their little hearts out while Tres and I navigate the unwieldily cart down each aisle. Did I mention all children went to the bathroom/were fed/got fresh diapers before we left? Critical component.
So I maneuver the race car around the store adhering closely to my list for the week. Along the way I will pick up my keys (dropped by Sweet B) six times, re-buckle Squirt twice, reprimand Sweet B for standing up in the cart once and remind myself of Rule #2 constantly.
Oh yeah - the rules. Each time before we begin our nightmare shopping trip I go over the rules:
Rule #1 - Listen and Obey.
Rule #2 - Be Kind and Loving to Each Other.
There is a very special privilege attached to following these rules while at the grocery store... receiving the free kids' cookie at the end of the trip. Break Rule #1 or #2 and there is NO COOKIE. No exceptions. No whining. I'm fairly certain the only reason I've successfully managed multiple children at the grocery store hinges on the one and only time I was forced to enforce this policy.
I was making a large deli purchase that day and needed to speak to the guy behind the counter for more than the usual 2 seconds. This was plenty of time for Squirt and Sweet B to start a show for the patrons around us and the other deli lady working the counter. After a minute or two of escalating conflict, I made an obvious show of turning and calmly reminding my darlings of the rules: If you guys can't be kind to each other there will be NO COOKIE. Now sit down and behave.
I turned back around and tried to pick up where I left off when out of the corner of my eye I saw deli lady's eyes widen. I followed her gaze in time to see Sweet B poking Squirt in the face with my keys. I quickly snatched the keys from her, laid them in my purse (just behind her - still within reach...a mistake I have not repeated) and sweetly reiterated the rules for everyone's benefit.
As I was reaching for my turkey, not five seconds later, I heard a panicked, "He's getting her! He's getting her with the keys!" from deli lady. I turned to see my eldest standing up and pummeling Sweet B with my car keys. Now normally I would take this opportunity to threaten to take away their blessed cookie yet again. But on this particular day I had an audience. THAT'S IT! I barked through gritted teeth. NO COOKIE! NO ONE GETS A COOKIE! NEITHER OF YOU. NOW SIT DOWN AND DO! NOT! TOUCH! EACH OTHER!!
The wails that followed echoed all the way back to the stock room.
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! BUT I WAAAAAAAAAAAANT ONE! I NEEEEEEEEEED A COOOOOOKIEEEEEEEE. MOMMY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Had we not been surrounded by people who were capable of calling DEFACS I'm sure I would have administered several spankings then and there.
Since that day I'm shocked to report we've had decent obedience and I've not had to actually make good on my no cookie threat again.
And so....at long last we'll end up at the check-out aisle, my patience always wearing thin. And this is the main reason I come to Publix and to this Publix in particular. The employees at the register will always cater to my children's whims when my strength for a fight is exhausted.
Yes my children would like a balloon! How thoughtful. What color balloon? The only color you don't have at your register of course. Yes the Squirt would like you to walk down to register 8 to grab a blue balloon, thank you. And sure you can push the cart out to my car! Obviously it's the blue mini-van. I'll just walk slightly ahead while you dodge the blue balloon my son is beating against his sister's head. Hang on a sec here... need to grab the keys that my daughter just threw overboard! Yes you can load the car up for me. Don't mind the double stroller that takes up my entire trunk, just carefully pile the bags in and around it, thanks so much. I'll wrangle my kids into carseats in the meantime. Pay no attention to the wailing and gnashing of teeth!! I LOVE THESE KIDS!! (Big Smile) No tip? Are you sure? Okay well we'll see you next week!!
The drive home is mercifully short. Once there, we all collapse from exhaustion and gear ourselves up for a repeat performance in six short days. And that my friends, is how I git 'er done.